I Could Neurotoxin That
by GingerFloof26
Summary: A parody of "I Could Pee on This (And Other Poems by Cats) by Francesco Marciuliano, done in the style of Portal characters we all know and love. Because we all know cats love to sit and judge us just like GLaDOS does ;P
1. I Could Neurotoxin That

**A.N. This is a series of poems parodied off of the book "I Could Pee on This (and other poems by cats)" by Francesco Marciuliano. It occurred to me how much GLaDOS, in particular, is just like a cat, and I just had to do this. Other Portal characters will be contributing to the collection as well, so enjoy and I hope you get a laugh out of this :3**

I Could Neurotoxin That

-GLaDOS

Her new jumpsuit doesn't smell of me

I could neurotoxin that

She's gone out for the day and

left her ASHPD on the counter

I could neurotoxin that

Her new boyfriend just pushed

my head away

I could neurotoxin him

She's ignoring me ignoring her

I could neurotoxin this whole facility

She's making up for it by running some tests

I could neurotoxin that

I could neurotoxin that


	2. I Shine My Optic

I Shine My Optic

-GLaDOS

I shine my optic in your eyes

I shine it in your eyes again

I hear guilty people are startled easily by loud noises-

[Insert foghorn noise here]

Oh you're up? Time to test


	3. Off The Rail

Off the Rail

-Wheatley

CATCH ME CATCH ME CATCH ME

CATCH ME CATCH ME CATCH ME

CATCH ME CATCH ME CATCH ME

CATCH ME CATCH ME CATCH ME

CATCH ME CATCH M-

Oh, uh, hello

I did not expect an answer

I did not expect a rescue

I did not expect Her to wake up

so very soon

So, um, goodbye


	4. Who Is That In My Facility?

**A.N. What if Chell brought SHODAN to Aperture? Sheer and utter crack, I know...**

Who Is That In My Facility?

-GLaDOS

There's another A.I. in my facility

One I've never seen

A much more _annoying _A.I.

You seem to know her name

You accidentally called me by her name

Right in front of the turrets

And your best friend, the companion cube

I've never been so humiliated

I may never love again


	5. Why Are You Screaming?

Why Are You Screaming?

\- Atlas and P-Body

Why are you screaming?

What did we do wrong?

Why are you crying?

How can we make it right?

Would you like it in a different color?

Would you like it in a different size?

Would you like it in a different room?

We just wanted to show our love

We just wanted to express our thanks

We just wanted to show you this cute little bird

But now you are screaming

And we don't know how to make you stop


	6. Something's Wrong

Something's Wrong

-Wheatley

Something's wrong

Why did all the walls move?

Something's not right

When did we get these stairs?

Somethings off

How did that button move across the floor?

Somethings going on

Who changed all these lasers to turrets?

Something happened

When we stepped into that elevator

And someday soon

I will figure it out


	7. Unbridled Love

Unbridled Love

-GLaDOS

I fill your lungs with neurotoxin

To show you my affection

I make you run through endless tests

To show you adoration

I make insulting remarks to you

Because I want to say "hello!"

I trap you in rooms with turrets

Because I miss you so

I watch you with surveillance cameras

So you know I'm always near

I supervise your every move

So my absence you need not fear

I show my love in so many ways

My devotion runneth over

So I don't know why when I approach

You duck and run for cover


	8. One Day

One Day

-Wheatley

One day great words I shall talk

One day on legs I shall walk

One day your books I shall read

One day I shall dress in your finest tweed

And on that day when I talk and walk

When I know the facts

and look stunning in slacks

When I am your equal

and not under your command

I shall stride right up and fully demand,

"Uh, look… I know I've been monstrous to you,

But could you consider not killing me, please?"


	9. Busy, Busy

Busy, Busy

-GLaDOS

It's 8 AM and time to scheme

It's 10 AM and time to plot

It's noon and time to plan

It's 3 PM and time for intrigue

It's 6 PM and time to conspire

It's midnight and time to strategize

It's 4 AM and time to hang upside-down from the ceiling of the A.I. chamber

singing opera to myself


	10. Chell Redacted

**A.N. The names used here are actual test subjects from the list in the Lab Rat Comic.**

Chell [Redacted]

-GLaDOS

S.J. Nye on the first day

Lazarus Grey on the second day

Leve Rage on the third day

Robert C. Knoll on the fourth day

Chell [Redacted] on the fifth day

and just like that

My world crumbles


	11. We're All In This Together

We're All In This Together

-GLaDOS

I cleaned the floor

of fourteen acres of broken glass

I cleared the course

of all those useless companion cubes

I dusted the shelves

of all those corrupted cores

I made the room

smell a lot more like neurotoxin

I want to do my part

after all, we're all in this together


	12. No Hard Feelings

No Hard Feelings

-Turret

I'm sorry I shot at you in the corridor

I'm sorry I shot at you on the platform

I'm sorry I shot at you on the stairs

I'm sorry I shot at you on the catwalk

I'm sorry I shot at you around the corner

I'm sorry I shot at you in that blind alley

But GLaDOS paid me five grand to kill you


	13. Professional Hacker

Professional Hacker

-Wheatley

astuou398sfdfu9

I just typed a poem in your presentation

8dfa90dgfj9lle

I just typed a joke in your e-mail

vxbv0n8x90rm

I just typed something personal

on your update

njngad89083e32

I just hacked the security on this door

professionally

aaaab - oh dear

is She awake already?


	14. My Best Friend

My Best Friend

-GLaDOS

My best friend is a test subject

She doesn't talk much

Some of my A.I. friends don't get it

We laugh at their fear

She practically sees me as one of her own

True, she doesn't like it when I make sarcastic remarks

Or insult her weight

Or try to murder her

But we're cool

My best friend is a test subject

I just thought you should know


	15. Testing Euphoria

Testing Euphoria

-GLaDOS

In all of Aperture

I am the Queen

I rule the test chambers

I reign over the automations

So kneel before me

I said, come to me

Uh, listen to me

How about just a test then?

One simple course

I'm not picky

Can you at least start with picking that cube up

and putting it on the button?

Can you at least do that?

Oh

Oh yes

You serve your Queen well


End file.
